Silver Slippers...

We Just Knew

       

Yesterday mom and I visited an assisted senior facility. When we walked in to the place… it hit me. I knew, we knew.  It was a respectable place. But, I knew it wasn’t for her. Nonetheless, I walked in behind her. I sat in a chair in the community lounge as we waited for our tour guide.

A couple of years before my dad made his transition, I remember encouraging him to retire from his second career as a pastor. After occasionally attending when I was in the city the last few years before her retired from the church he'd pastored for over 30 years, I sensed that he was becoming less of who he had been – a sharp, passionate, caring pastor. I sensed that his congregation had difficulty understanding and following his messages. Or, perhaps, I had difficulty following them and assumed they did also. But, because of my experience I advocated for his transition out of his pastoral role. Others within the church did so as well. I really thought I was doing the best thing for him. He could finally take a rest that was well deserved. And, after months of encouraging it, he finally did so. He retired.  In January, shortly after he announced his retirement, his congregation gave him a grand appreciation banquet to honor his service. Many family and friends from near and far came to help him be celebrated and to let him know just how much he was loved and appreciated. We had a great time. The next January, a year later, he made his transition from this earth and I felt responsible.   

Years after going through the grieving process because of losing a parent (and I am still grieving 4 years later), I have come to understand that I was not responsible for my father’s death. At least I know that in my head. But, I do not take lightly the very real lesson I learned related to his death about the human need to belong, to feel needed, to be a part of something. This is true for all of us, but especially our seniors. Dignity is life giving and until we take our final breath, I believe we all deserve a quality life.  I didn’t know or fully understand what that meant while I walked with my dad to his next.  But, because of that experience, I’m extremely sensitive to and more compassionate about identifying what is right for my mother so that she maintains her dignity as she ages.

So, back to the senior living village.  As I mentioned, there was nothing “wrong” with the village. It is marketed as a place where seniors live out their years in dignity with a staff who cares. But, it just did not feel right.  And, I don’t think it felt right to her either. Perhaps it is that I know what lifestyle my mother has enjoyed throughout her adult life. Perhaps it is that there was no rent control – we asked, and the rent increases 7% each year with no cap, ever. (While it may be the norm, that was very problematic for me). Perhaps it is that neither of us are ready for such a huge change and the reality of the need to come up with a solution to her dilemma smacked us in the face as we walked in. Whatever it was that we both sensed, we politely thanked the Director for being willing to take time to give us a tour. We did not want to waste her time so we quietly exited and went along our way.

There is one thing I know for sure… whatever is next for my mother, and for me – whatever is next for us, she will be honored and it will be the best thing for her.  We will know!